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Type-Five: Or Another Barney Stinson Appreciation Post

 


 

What makes Barney Stinson “Barney Stinson?” Besides his aliases, attire, and attributes? I’m only talking about his high fives, easily fifth on my running How To Be Barney goal-list: master the high fives.

 Let’s catalogue the best, shall we?

 Self-Fives:

Friends can’t appreciate your gloriously timed humor? They’re not fans of puns?  Don’t feel sore—rely on your inner Self. Your attentive Self waits to slip you some skin and congratulate you on your wit. You might need to call up the Self (and make a show doing it); you might need to constrain the moment to a mental self-five. But we can establish early on that a good Stinson achiever is never without one to ‘five. *See the footnote.

Relaxed High Five:

Your subtler high five variant. Only use this during “the moment”, or risk making yourself look “awkward.” Should this occur, “save yourself” and find the next soonest “moment” to re-administer your high five offer. If your friends deny a relaxed high five, they’re a little lame.

Phone Five:

Slap the receiver of a phone when you say something legen—wait for it—dary, over a call. Simply keep the faith that the person on the other end is equally awesome.

“Hypothetical” High Five:

A type of mental self-five, the hypothetical high five includes another person in your vision of high five greatness. It helps if they play along, not stare at you blankly while you hypothesize.

A noteworthy, though rare, subsection to this ‘five would be the ultimate Almighty High Five.  For this once-in-a-lifetime chance, the heavens above part the clouds and shine the rays of a thousand suns upon you, to which you can THEN hypothesize your high-five. Bonus points if the scene includes cherubs—imaginary or otherwise.

Overall, the Golden Rule of Five is as follows: never, ever, find yourself without a high five partner. *If you literally are without a partner, or every available partner is not worthy of your Five, fall back on your better-than-them Self. We’re all trying to achieve Stinsonhood here!


1 comment

  • Sonia

    Great post. The whole laundry list mentlaity to dating bothers me to NO END. There is indeed a difference between settling , and having a checklist . I truly wish more women (and men!) would see it this way it would make the dating scene a lot less pretentious and depressing for us single people.The ones who seem to perpetuate the whole laundry list mentlaity are among the ones who have dating/relationship blogs/articles, in which they mock and insult their dating misadventures because the guy/girl fell short of what they wanted. They then continually wonder why everybody else is stupid but them, and wonder why they’ve never had a long-term healthy relationship.When I want advice, I ask my friends who have actually had long-term, healthy relationships not the bitter, jaded authors of self-help articles or blog authors.

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